There are times, as Jews living in a culture that normalizes Christianity, where being Jewish almost feels totalizing. As though every action, every thought, must be done as Jews. There are few times for me where that feels more true than in handling death.
When my father's mother passed a few years ago, I felt overwhelmed. Less by the death itself, necessarily: she had been in poor health, ill near the end, and passed quietly in her sleep next to her husband of over 60 years after a long, full life; we should all be so lucky. My issue was more not knowing what to do.
Norma was a devout Christian who had been there for every Jewish ceremony from bris to wedding, even learning the blessings for my Bar Mitzvah. Not only would it have felt wrong to follow Jewish mourning practices, it was also not possible. She was embalmed for later burial. There was/were no shiva house(s), and her husband, my grandfather, was hundreds of miles away along with most of her kids and grandkids. This all flashed through my mind when I heard the news. So what should I do?
Sickness and death are universal experiences that connect humanity across cultures, from before mankind existed, and will continue long after any who come across this. In some ways, it can be a comfort to know, despite any differences we may have, in this we all stand united. Which isn't to say that we all experience sickness and death the same; we have options to treat and cope with them that those who came before could never have dreamt.
Still, they do happen. As I was coping with my personal loss, our society was still struggling with processing COVID, a mass-death event. If we are all suffering together, why was I facing this universal experience alone, unsure how to proceed?
In Judaism, for this question of "What should I do?" or "What now?" we developed a ritualized process designed to guide us through one of life's most traumatic experiences.
Aninut/Onen - The first news of a death begins the period of Aninut for the mourners, who in this period are known as Onen. We recognize that there are time-sensitive logistical issues, such as notifying others and coordinating the burial. Immediate relatives are expected to forego all other responsibilities, religious, work, and personal while they do this, including daily prayers, as they must manage both their grief and the rapid burial.
Funeral/Kriah - As Jews may not desecrate the remains, which includes embalming, burial must happen within 3 days and should happen as soon as possible. During the ceremony, depending on tradition, many Jews will rise and rend a garment while reciting a prayer to bring physicality to their torn heart, while others may wear a black ribbon representing the torn clothing. This ribbon or torn clothing should be worn the entire period of Shiva.
Shivah and Nichum Aveilim - Literally meaning '7', the period of Shiva is 7 days (though some observe shorter) in which immediate family stays within the same home and abstains from all forms of work or responsibilities beyond grief. During this period, it is expected that community members come to pay their respects (called Nichum Aveilim) and care for them: preparing and providing the mourners' food, cleaning, preparing information or tributes, even providing a minyan so the mourners can pray at home. The Shiva House will typically cover mirrors so the mourners are not tempted to groom or put effort into presenting themselves, and have a close friend staying nearby and throughout to coordinate those coming for Nichum Aveilem. Shiva is often concluded by the mourners being reintroduced to the world, walking around the block with close friends.
Sheloshim and the Mourner's Kaddish - Literally meaning '30', this period is the 30 days after burial, including the Shiva period, in which mourners slowly begin to take on the world's responsibilities again. During the 30 days, they are expected to attend services every day and stand for the Mourner's Kaddish, recited at every service, in which Jews re-affirm their faith in Hashem, surrounded by the community. Mourners in Sheloshim, while "back in the world" often refrain from forms of entertainment and celebration, indicating they are still in a state of Mourning.
Shnat Ha'Evel, Yahrtzeit, and Matzevah - During the first year, mourners are encouraged to re-enter the parts of their life from which they had been abstaining. Some continue reciting the Mourner's Kaddish the entire year, depending on tradition either just the parents, or all immediate family. The conclusion of the first year is called the Yahrtzeit (death anniversary), which is marked with a candle that burns one full day and standing to recite the Mourner's Kaddish. As the Shnat Ha'Evel concludes and the first Yahrtzeit approaches, or immediately after, depending on tradition, the headstone or Matzevah (monument) will go up. Visitors to the Matzevah are encouraged to mark their visit, placing a stone upon it each time, a physical reminder of their presence.
Our worldwide experiences with COVID, with millions mourning and oceans of grief overwhelming us, have left many grasping for how to cope. Compounding our troubles, we have an increasingly fractured communal life, with those who feed on chaos and suffering and division pitting neighbor against neighbor. While the above practices represent the Jewish answers to the universal experience of Mourning which we all suffer, most require a culture that allows them.
For these seemingly unrelated elements (communal disconnect and mourning), we can connect them through the origin for these Jewish rituals. The 7 day biblical Flood, perhaps the most well-known mass death event, is cited as the origin of Shiva; peformed for Methuselah, this represented the reversal of the 7 days of Creation.
Jewish mourning practices emphasize three primary elements: Mourners physicalizing grief, mourners leaning on communal support, and the community emphasizing the mourner's needs. Perhaps our best way forward, as a society, would be to keep these in mind. Showing up for those in our community who are in need, meeting their practical needs rather than trying to find emotional catharsis, creating the space that mourners require. Following the Jewish methods, our greatest coping with COVID has been subsidizing lost incomes and creating alternate means of interacting that had been lost.
But we can do better.
Not demanding others be there for you, but for you to be there for others. As you go about your days, look for those missing elements, our collective losses, and see how you can be there for them. Can you make meals for your neighbors? Is there something you can do to give physicality to your grief? Can you be the community that allows for this kind of mourning?
I, and I hope others, will be looking for ways to practice Nichum Aveilim for those in our society, helping to care for others and showing that we are there for them.
As is the practice when honoring the dead, let me conclude by saying...
Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet.
Blessed is the True Judge.
Amen.
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